Sex After Feminism

But I Love Sex

Sex is awesome, or at least it should be. Sex should be a healthy meaningful interaction between human beings. It is only when sex is violent that it hurts people. So long as it is safe and nonviolent, it is harmless. No one makes a more convincing argument for this fact than Dan Savage and his "media empire" (insubstantial though it may be).

However, the problem with sex is the very thing that makes it so satisfying. Sex is a product of the limbic system, not the prefrontal lobes. Sex is reptilian. When you get rid of all the toys, human sex and crocodile sex is pretty much the same. This is a problem because feminism is a product of modern society. Modernity has enabled us  to make humanity better. Because of the U.N., we no longer live in a constant state of war. Because of the welfare state and an effective legal system, our resources are divided more equitably so that we no longer have to fear starving to death, or dying of a curable disease. Because of near-universal education, we are no longer ignorant of the state of things. We no longer have to live at yellow alert, because our society has created a semi-stability. We can move out of our animal state, stand up on two legs, look around and think about the world.

An aware educated person cannot help but notice prejudice. Facts that we had assumed for centuries, such as the myth that blacks and women were inferior, have been considered and found to be false. But some of that residue remains. Some of the fear remains. And when we go into "sex mode," and our higher brain shuts down, we stop using our smart filter.

But I cannot imagine a society without sex, even if our reptilian brain is particularly susceptible to our gender training. Even if our sexism is nature rather than nurture, that just means that it is something that we have to work harder to overcome. We have to find a way to approach sex in a healthier way.

So, here are some ways that people who want to see gender progress can approach sex without reinforcing gender roles.

1) Powerful Women and Men- When Hollywood and their clueless media moguls say a powerful woman, they almost always mean a woman who has power over a man. They don't mean a good and kind woman who just really likes to have sex with good and kind men. They don't mean a loving couple who wish to explore their sexuality. They don't mean two powerful politicians falling in love with one another. They generally mean a woman who, at some time or another, uses sex to get what she wants. That must end.

2) Redefine the Aesthetic- Every straight woman does not have to appeal to every straight man. Criticizing the body of our potential partners is a shameful product of masculinization. When someone admits a sexual attraction to a woman, the first response is to find fault, as men commonly do by focusing on body parts, and Kerry and Samantha now do over drinks when they "dish" on "Sex in the City." It needs to be stopped. Rather than speaking disparagingly about the bodies of women, we who are attracted to women need to do two things.

Picture by roseoftimothywoods

a)Admire their body without dehumanizing them- It is okay to admire the bodies of others, and should be encouraged, so long as it is done respectfully. An acquaintance once told me a story of coming home with a smile on her face.

In her neighborhood, it was common for men to catcall her from the windows of their cars and say things like, "Get in." When that happened, she was obviously disconcerted. Constructions workers' filthy language and dangerous sexual aggression is a reflection of the worst of masculinity. In these examples you can see the connection between the reptilian brain and sex. You can also recognize the structures of carrot and stick masculinizing. By antagonizing and threatening women, masculinizers are able to make the threat of feminization more terrifying. If being woman-like means getting harassed on the street, men will not want to be like women. It is simultaneously a way of keeping women "in their place." But, on this particular day a man had joyfully stopped my friend and said, "Excuse me."
She said that she replied with the customary suspicion, "Yes?"
"You have a nice ass."
With waiffish, girlish women being admired in most fashion magazines, this woman had thought of her backside as a liability. This simple and friendly acknowledgement of sexual attraction was not hostile or aggressive. It sought nothing in return. It was just a casual acknowledgement of sexual attraction, the same way that one would say, "You are very pretty."

Frank acknowledgement of sexual attraction, instead of sexual aggression, combined with emphasizing the positive, rather than the negative, could allow men to open up to more diverse sexual attractions, creating healthier partnership bonds, not driven by advertising or peer pressure, but by acceptance of all body types.

b)Be Discreet- The key to respectful acknowledgement of sexual attraction is to make sure that the person is not threatened by it. Too many women (1 in 4) have been the victims of sexual violence, as have too many men (1 in 5. This number indicates the dual purpose of sexual violence to feminize women and bring the threat of feminization to men). It is improper to casually remark on sexual attraction to strangers, even if done respectfully, because in a society where sexual violence is epidemic at 22.5% the man in the example above could not have been sure if my friend had previously been raped. In a better society, perhaps frank admission of sexual attraction to strangers could be normal, but not in this product of tens of thousands of years of sexism. While I believe it is important that we start to acknowledge sexual attraction, it is important that we do so respectfully and discreetly.

3)We also need to start talking about sex so that we can take it out of the exclusive realm of the reptilian brain. When we talk about sex, in the words of Dr. Phil, we "program our environments for success." The sex act is always going to be reptilian and wild. That is the joy of it. But if we acknowledged it in our daily lives, talked about it openly, and made deliberate choices about sex, then we could begin to understand an intercourse of equality. Would that be a beautiful thing? I believe so.