Thursday, September 22, 2011

Primal, Masculine, Child Rearing

Dads throughout the nation feel a threat to their masculinity. According to a recent study, testosterone rates lower as men spend more time with kids.


The finding itself was not surprising. It has long been known that women have hormonal reactions to becoming caregivers. The only reason to think that men did not have similar reactions would be if our species were reptilian, and males did not participate in child rearing. Yet, reactions in The New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and Fox News were histrionic fear that dads were losing their manliness. Are men still real men after they’ve had children and their testosterones levels have dropped by (*gasp*) more than 30%?

Being a man is not about having a high testosterone level. The only reason that species have men and women is to have children. It’s about sexual reproduction. It is not threatening your masculinity to have children because it is the ENTIRE POINT OF maleness in the first place.


The American vision of masculinity leaves no room for children. As a very funny Washington Post blog joked, “You don’t want to hold a baby unless you’re holding it like a football.” Yet somehow, our culture of masculinizers has got it in their heads that being a father is less manly than being a football player.


The reason that football is considered masculine, and fathering is not, is simple. For hundreds of years, western society has convinced men to be cannon fodder. This is especially true in America. Young boys don’t play with dolls, a tool that might teach them how to be better fathers. They play with GI Joes, a tool that teaches them how to be guerrilla warriors. While girls are learning how to prepare food, something that comes in handy for any person who likes to eat, boys are outside learning how to throw a basketball into a basketball hoop, a task that comes in handy for almost nobody.


But we grow up, and when we do, we are supposed to realize that GI Joes and basketball were just play things and that family and work are our lives. I feel true sorrow for any man who doesn’t.


Men don’t realize what being a man actually means for numerous reasons, but the biggest one is fear. Some of them are cowards, but most simply don’t understand what they are afraid of, so let me explain it for them. The entire threat behind traditional masculinity, the threat that is literally beaten into us as children by other boys who are afraid that they are not masculine enough, is the threat of feminization.


From the start, children are told that boys wear blue and girls wear pink, and they believe it because they can’t tell (through clothing) what else could possibly be the difference between a boy and a girl at an age when physiological differences are practically inexistent. Under the coaching of terrified and cowardly men, boys make other assumptions about what it means to be a boy, and when a boy does not conform, he is punished. Boys are mocked, ostracized and sometimes physically beaten. A boy who goes to a ballet class may be teased because “only girls do ballet.” A boy who wears nail polish may not be allowed to play with his friends because, “this is a boys-only club.” A boy who kisses another boy in his teenage years may be beaten to death in the Wyoming plains.


Even if we are not the subject of these punishments, we learn from them. We see what happens to boys who wear nail polish. We see what happens to Matthew Shepard. We equate that in our minds with being a girl because that is exactly what our punishers intend. What other message could we get out of the statement, “this is a boys-only club,” but that we will be ostracized for not being “boy” enough, and in a society that recognizes only the two classic genders, who else could we be if not a boy, but a girl? Girls, therefore, are teased, ostracized, and beaten. For some strange reason, boys don't like being beaten.


But the threats are hallow. The people who defend traditional masculinity are cowards. Do not be afraid. You are not less of a man for caring for your children. In fact, I would go so far as to say that you are not an actualized man until you are caring for children, so go out right now and adopt some. If you don’t want to adopt, offer to baby sit. If you don’t know anyone who needs a baby sitter, then email me and I will recommend a terrific mentoring organization in your city or town. We have many jobs as adults in a democratic society, but as a man we only have one; raise the next generation.