The Costs of Fatherhood

In an article entitled "The Different Costs of Motherhood," the economix blog on the New York Times outlines a study showing that women with simpler job skills who have children make roughly the same amount as their peers, while women with more complex job skills who have children make 20-33% less than their peers.

While making the comparisons between these groups of women, they briefly note that men's careers are hardly affected by children.  Men succeed in earning more money by putting their families second, or more accurately by convincing themselves that earning more money is doing their proper service to their families.  They are willing to move their families from city-to-city, and work endless tedious hours in order to ensure that they and their family succeed.  In the survival of the fittest capitalist mindset, people either succeed by constantly growing and consuming more, or they fail.  But at what cost?

The sacrifices of a higher skilled father is actually being made, not just by him, but by the entire family.  When a father makes the choice to be as flexible as his childless peer and move to Dubai to pursue the big opportunity, he is either leaving his family behind, or taking his family along.  If he is truly as flexible as his childless peer, then the opinions, desires, and needs of his family in making that move cannot be considered.  He must be the captain of the ship.  A captain is an exalted position, but the things that really matter in life have nothing to do with one's ability to captain one's ship.  His position as a loving husband and father will always be secondary to his position as an earner, and that is the key to a life of alienation, even as he is surrounded by people who he loves.  Like the kidnapper who tells himself that his hostage wouldn't leave even if he opened the cage, the father competing with his childless peers lives in perpetual cowardice that his family is actually only a swinging door away from leaving him.

The lesson to be learned from this story is that rating equality based solely on earning potential simply misses the point.  A well lived life has nothing to do with one's CV.  The fathers who are competing with their childless peers should aspire to making 20-33% less than their peers.  We need to keep in mind that this study showed that the gap exists mostly among those with the highest earning potential, those Americans who are already making ends meet comfortably.  These fathers are saying that the difference between living comfortably and living extravagantly is worth the time with their children.  Unfortunately, we can easily calculate ones ability to consume the earth's resources by figuring out how much money we make (an overtly traditionally masculine calculus), but we still have no calculus for connecting with our loved ones.